Russian Roulette/Script
Nice Peter: I’m Nice Peter! EpicLLOYD: And I’m not a midget, you cunts! Nice Peter: And that was uncalled for! EpicLLOYD: Where we force innocent figures from history to fight each other in- *Zach Sherwin bursts on camera, holding a tablet and jumping crazily* Zach Sherwin: Guys, guess what! EpicLLOYD: You quit? Hooray! Zach Sherwin: I was researching my family tree…and it turns out I’m related to King Henry VIII! Nice Peter: So? Zach Sherwin: Meaning, in reality, George is the peasant! EpicLLOYD: Here on ERB! Nice Peter: We didn’t even expla- *The scene cuts to the final 9 in their house, where Poe is writing at a table, Napoleon is doodling and Eve is crying* Cleopatra: Cheer up, darling. You look like a leaky faucet…only uglier. Eve:...shut up, you’re not helping! Cleopatra: Oh, we’re supposed to help you? Napoleon Dynamite: You could be a bit nicer, gosh… Cleopatra: Hun, “nice” isn’t in my vocabulary. Edgar Allan Poe: How can you say such a word, if it’s not in said vocab you’ve learned? Cleopatra: Go back to writing about birds or something, you gothed out fop. Napoleon Dynamite: I’m starving…when the hell will we get our food? *Justin Bieber walks down the stairs fuming mad, covered in Jordan’s dirty laundry* Justin Bieber: If I find out which one of you did this, I will put this sweaty crap into a blender and personally feed it to you…got it? Napoleon Dynamite: You do realize none of us here would want to touch that, right? Cleopatra: Ew, what the hell are you wearing?! *Michael Jordan walks down the stairs, sniffing the air* Michael Jordan: What is that…OH MY GOD! *Michael Jordan runs down and begins to pull his clothes off of Bieber* Justin Bieber: Oh, thank you. I was about to suffocate, it smel- *Michael Jordan bitch-slaps Bieber* Michael Jordan: Don’t wear my clothes, you filthy toddler! (Confessional) Michael Jordan: Okay, who decided to put my lucky laundry on that thing?!? Wait… *the camera zooms out from the confessional (a modified Honey Bucket)* Michael Jordan: AAAAAALIIIIIIIII! (Confessional) Muhammad Ali: ''*shrugs*'' Nice Peter: Challenge time, you cannon fodder! Napoleon Dynamite: We’re hungry! Edgar Allan Poe: Grr… *The scene cuts to the final 9 standing by a giant wheel of fortune style wheel on a stage, while Peter eats a cake and Rasputin drinks beer* Rasputin: Oh, hello. Nice Peter: Say hello to Rasputin, everyone! *The contestants mumble a quiet “yay…” while Rasputin downs another beer* Rasputin: Well, enough fooling you guys…time to do this. *Rasputin pulls out a chainsaw, turns it on, punches it and it explodes* Darth Vader: …I don’t understand. Nice Peter: Today, we’re going to play a game of Russian Roulette….sorta. Justin Bieber: Isn’t that something with a loaded gun and, you know… Rasputin: I played that a lot. The gun always lost. Napoleon Dynamite: What? Nice Peter: So, the game works like this: You all will spin the wheel, waiting for it to stop. Then, you will open the part you land on to see your fate. You have a chance of landing on… *Nice Peter spins the wheel, and removes a lid on the tile he lands on, pulling out a box of donuts* Nice Peter: Some lovely food…or… *Nice Peter spins it again, opens another department and pulls out a paper* Nice Peter:…a challenge. Justin Bieber: Oh no…''*puts his hands up sarcastically*'' Rasputin: Quiet, woman. Justin Bieber: You know, that’s kinda getting old, now… Nice Peter: So, line up here on the platform, and prepare to spin! *The contestants line up, waiting for Justin Bieber to spin* Napoleon Dynamite: I hope he lands on a sky diving challenge…heh. Edgar Allan Poe: I really hope that too, but I really hope I land on food! Muhammad Ali: I hope Jordan lands out of here! Michael Jordan: That doesn’t even make sense! Nice Peter: Since there are 9 of you, and 27 tiles, you each get three turns. Okay? Justin Bieber: Eh, whatever. Let’s get this done with. *Justin Bieber spins the wheel, opens the compartment, and finds a paper* Napoleon Dynamite: Have fun losing. Justin Bieber: It says here I have to kick one person in the nuts. What type of challenge is that? Eh, c’mere Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite: Darn! Rasputin: They have to wear…this! *Rasputin pulls out a metal pair of underwear from nowhere* Justin Bieber: Of course… Rasputin: Catch this, weakling! *Rasputin throws the underwear at Napoleon, who can’t catch it, and drops it on his foot. Bieber takes this chance to kick Napoleon in the nuts.* Napoleon Dynamite: Dammit! Rasputin: …eh, he kicked him. Next! *Eve steps up to spin the wheel while slightly sobbing* Cleopatra:…ugh, move on. *Eve opens the wheel, finding a tub of ice cream, which she grabs and eats with a spoon which came along with it* Al Capone: Sheesh, that’s either cruel irony or lucky coincidence. Darth Vader: Yeah, I have a feeling this is rigged. *Michael Jordan steps up to the wheel, spins it, and opens what he lands on, finding a paper* Michael Jordan: Kiss the nearest lady…no way I’m kissing Ali. Muhammad Ali: Fuck you, too! Justin Bieber: If he’s not going to kiss you, he’s obviously not going to have sex with you. Muhammad Ali: Can it, tater tot! Edgar Allan Poe: Don’t bring up food, I’m not in the mood! Napoleon Dynamite: Wow, you like tater tots too? Edgar Allan Poe: Eh, why not? I’ll eat whatever I’ve got! Nice Peter: So, it appears the nearest lady to Jordan is… *Peter shoves Jordan next to Eve, who is quietly eating her ice cream* Nice Peter:…Eve. Al Capone: Oh, that’s just cruel. Michael Jordan: I dunno…I can’t do this. Muhammad Ali: Ha! See you at the dock! Justin Bieber: That implies you’re leaving, too. Eve: What’s going on? Nice Peter: The clock is ticking, Jordan…for your time here on the island, that is. Michael Jordan: Alright…sorry, Eve… Eve: Huh? *Michael Jordan kisses Eve, catching her by surprise* Nice Peter: Alright, Jordan, you’ve got one po- *Eve punches Jordan in the face* (Confessional) Michael Jordan: Damn, this girl can still hit… Eve: Asshole! Mikhail Gorbachev: OH YEAH! *Rasputin looks over at Gorbachev, who burst in through a wall, then proceeds to smack him with a broom* Rasputin: Shoo! (Confessional) Eve: I don’t know what’s going on, but…Michael isn’t funny like he thinks he is, doing that to me… Nice Peter: Alright, Ali, time for you to make a move! To make this go faster, you guys gotta spin this wheel twice. Muhammad Ali: It’s time for Jordan to move off the island! *Muhammad Ali spins the wheel once, and pulls out a challenge paper* Muhammad Ali: Dammit! *Muhammad Ali spins again, pulling out another challenge* Muhammad Ali: Oh, come on! Nice Peter: Looks like your first challenge is…''*snatches one paper from Ali*''…jump into the lake blindfolded. Muhammad Ali: Doesn’t seem so bad. Nice Peter: From that cliff. *Nice Peter points to a cliff which is eventually blocked by the clouds* Muhammad Ali: Aw, c’mon! *The scene transitions to Ali standing by the cliff with blindfolds, air tank and a parachute, with Rasputin and Peter behind him* Nice Peter: Eh, it’s only a…30 mile drop. Rasputin: Actually, it looks more like 48 kilometers. Muhammad Ali: I ain’t gonna do it! Nice Peter: Alright…your next challenge is to…arm wrestle Rasputin. Muhammad Ali: OH HELL NO! *Muhammad Ali jumps down into the lake, creating a loud splash* Rasputin: Weakling. *The scene transitions back to the stage, where Ali is soaked* Nice Peter: Alright, up next, Al Capone! You got two spins… *Al Capone spins the wheel, and lands on bacon* Al Capone: Are you trying to be a dick here? *Al Capone spins the wheel again, landing on a challenge* Al Capone: Kiss…Cleopatra… *Everyone looks at Cleopatra* Cleopatra: Ew, no! Get lost! Justin Bieber: I’m surprised you’re turning this down, considering you slept with him… *Cleopatra slaps Bieber* Nice Peter: Up next, Napoleon! Two rolls! Justin Bieber: Yeah, two rolls off of the island, in a barrel. Napoleon Dynamite: Oh, please. Justin Bieber: Oh, I saw what you did with Kanye. I can’t wait for that to happen with you… Napoleon Dynamite: Let me spin, go-wait, how did you see that? Edgar Allan Poe: I also ask how your memory brings back that affair, when only Leonidas and I were there! Napoleon Dynamite: Wait, Poe saw this, and Bieber didn’t, but Bieber also remembers it? Edgar Allan Poe: The sight left us two forlorn, so the entire team I warned, but Bieber said we lied that morn! Justin Bieber: Oh, shut up and spin already, Napoleon complex. *Napoleon spins the wheel, opens it, and finds tater tots* Napoleon Dynamite: YES! This is a true gift! Justin Bieber: It’d be a true gift if you were born likable. Napoleon Dynamite: Shut up, Bieber! Justin Bieber: Oh, like any lady would touch you with that…alpaca face. Edgar Allan Poe: I don’t mean to mix into the drama, but I think Napoleon is fond of llamas. Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah! Nice to know someone’s got my back! Justin Bieber: I think he insulted y- Nice Peter: For the love of ratings, spin! *Napoleon spins the wheel, and opens it to find a challenge* Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh… Nice Peter: Your challenge is to…hug Justin Bieber. Bieber & Dynamite: Ew, no! Cleopatra: Now look who’s complaining about challenges. Napoleon Dynamite: You know what, I really want to win, so…ew…ugh, fine… *Napoleon hugs Bieber* (Confessional) Justin Bieber: This is worse than Jordan’s sweaty gym clothes…yuck. Nice Peter: Alright, Poe, you’re up! Edgar Allan Poe: I am starved, give me the food, or else I will give off the most foulest of moods! *Edgar Allan Poe spins the wheel and lands on a challenge* Edgar Allan Poe: Hark, I must swim with sharks? Nice Peter: That’s the cue! *Peter presses a remote, dropping a Megalodon into the lake Ali jumped into* Nice Peter: Say hello to one of Edison’s projects! Darth Vader: Oh, so that’s what was in the pool… Nice Peter: What pool? Darth Vader: Did I say pool? I meant…uh…my bed. (Confessional) Darth Vader: My bed...was that the best excuse? Rasputin: Poe, you must swim across that lake. Al Capone: Now that’s sick. Edgar Allan Poe: Oh, this is easy peasy, done in a breezy! *Poe jumps into the lake and begins to swim, with the contestants watching, worried, save for Bieber* Justin Bieber: You know what would make this more interesting? Napoleon Dynamite: If you say covering him in steak, I swear… Justin Bieber: Eh, just rubbing it on him would be enough. Michael Jordan: Hey Eve, mind passing the ice cream? I need something to eat, this is tense. Eve: Whatever, have it. *Eve throws an empty ice cream tub at Jordan’s head* Michael Jordan: What? Muhammad Ali: Now that’s just…cold! *The group looks at Poe, who is casually swimming, when a shadow appears beneath him* Edgar Allan Poe: I’m hungry, and it smells like fish…if I finish this, I can get a salmon dish! *the Megalodon begins to surface under Poe, shooting upwards out of the water* Edgar Allan Poe: Yelp! Help! *Poe grabs onto the shark’s nose, and looks down at it* Edgar Allan Poe: Oh crap, what should I do? Oh, I have an idea or two! *Poe jumps over the shark’s open jaw back into the water, swims to shore, and yawns* Nice Peter: NO! Edgar Allan Poe: Why must you yell at me? I’m just tired and hungry! Nice Peter: Oh god no… Justin Bieber: I know, right! Why’d he have to survive? Nice Peter: Why’d he have to jump? Justin Bieber: Indeed. He should’ve let himself be eaten. Nice Peter: He…''*sniff*''…jumped the shark! *Ali, Jordan, and Dynamite gasp while the others look at them confused* Cleopatra: What? Napoleon Dynamite: Jumping the shark is when…a show is running out of ideas…and so they do something to pull people in to watch… Michael Jordan: And I guess we just did it… Al Capone: For fuck’s sake…we didn’t run outta ideas. Nice Peter: But people will think so! Edgar Allan Poe: I’ll just go spin once more, and hopefully land on food, of course! *Poe spins the wheel and lands on a challenge* Edgar Allan Poe: Gah! Nice Peter: According to this, you have to punch Rasputin. Rasputin: No one has done that and lived. Except myself, obviously. Edgar Allan Poe: Excuse, me dude, do you have food? Rasputin: No. Edgar Allan Poe: Bitch, taste this fist! *Poe punches Rasputin twice in the face* Rasputin: Mother…Russia… Mikhail Gorbachev: OH YEAH! Gorbachev time! Nice Peter: Get out, before I get the broom! Mikhail Gorbachev: So Putin is allowed here, but I’m not? Nice Peter: What? *Nice Peter looks up to see a Russian helicopter hovering over the island* Nice Peter: Shoo! *Putin flips off Peter from the window and leaves* Nice Peter: Ugh, Russians…alright, Vader’s up next. *Darth Vader spins the wheel, landing on a potato* Darth Vader: Great… *Darth Vader spins again, landing on cooked salmon* Darth Vader: Haha… Nice Peter: Alright, Cleo’s turn! Cleopatra: Oh boy… *Cleopatra spins the wheel, landing on a challenge* Nice Peter: Let’s see what you have to do…swing over the river from the first challenge! Cleopatra: Is this supposed to be hard? *The scene transitions to over the river, where Cleopatra is holding onto a rope on one end of the shore* Nice Peter: Ready…set…swing! *Cleopatra swings across the river, landing successfully on the shore across* Cleopatra: That felt great…~ Rasputin: I know… Cleopatra: What? Rasputin: Nothing. *The scene transitions back to the wheel, where Cleopatra spins it and lands on a pineapple* Cleopatra: Ew! What the fuck is this? *Cleopatra throws the pineapple at Eve* Eve: I can tell when I’m not wanted… Napoleon Dynamite: Eve, don’t say that! Nice Peter: Now, for the people who spun once already! *Justin Bieber spins the wheel, landing on a challenge* Nice Peter: Ooh…put out a burning Molotov with a bucket. Justin Bieber: Uh, what?! Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet! Edgar Allan Poe: Ugh, sweet food! I’m not in the mood! Napoleon Dynamite: Sorry… *Rasputin puts down a Molotov, and puts the bucket on Bieber’s lower jaw* Justin Bieber: Uh…wuh? Nice Peter: Oops, I forgot to mention the “with your mouth only” part…now hurry! *Bieber walks over to the Molotov with the bucket, which swings around, losing water* Justin Bieber: Auuh, tih hurhs, peher! *The bucket swings over and pours onto the Molotov* Justin Bieber: *sighs of relief* Nice Peter: Up next…Eve! *Eve spins the wheel, landing on a box of crackers* Eve: Better than nothing…which is better than Adam… Edgar Allan Poe: Don’t mean to be a pain in your derrière, but mind if we share? Nice Peter: To round it up, Jordan! *Michael Jordan walks up to the wheel, spins it, and lands on a challenge* Nice Peter: So, according to this paper, you have to…survive flying on Goku’s back. Michael Jordan: Aw, come on! *The scene transitions to Jordan holding onto Clone Goku, with Peter holding a timer and Rasputin holding popcorn* Nice Peter: You’ve got 5 minutes to do this…ready, set, fly! Clone Goku: But I said, I’m a wasp! *Clone Goku takes off, with Jordan holding on with all of his strength* Michael Jordan: Not too high up, or I won’t be able to breathe! Clone Goku: What’s breathe? Michael Jordan: Oh, I’m so dead… Clone Goku: Ooh, a duck! *Clone Goku throws Jordan off of his back into the woods to follow the “duck” (actually a bear)* Michael Jordan: God dammit! *The scene transitions to the final round, with everyone waiting to finish* Cleopatra: Ugh, let’s finish this already. Nice Peter: Alright, Bieber, come spin for your last turn. *Justin Bieber steps up to the wheel and spins it, then opens it to find a gold microphone* Justin Bieber: Oh, so you did give me the money? *Nice Peter snatches the microphone from Bieber* Nice Peter: No, but you do have immunity for the next challenge! Al Capone: He WHAT NOW? Michael Jordan: The fuck? Napoleon Dynamite: Dammit! Justin Bieber: Well, well, well…isn’t this great? (Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: This just sucks…now he can get me out before I can get him! Gosh! (Confessional) Justin Bieber: Now I can fuck around with Napoleon…and he can go home before I have to worry about him trying to get me back! Nice Peter: Next up…Eve! *Eve spins the wheel, and lands on a challenge, where she must cross a tightrope over a lake* Eve: Forget it… Nice Peter: But- *Eve walks over to the edge of the stage and sits down, and Poe follows her to talk to her* Edgar Allan Poe: Excuse me ma’am, might I lend a hand? Eve: How? Adam’s gone already… Edgar Allan Poe: Exactly why you shouldn’t cry! You’re making it further than that despicable guy! Eve: Well, you are right… Nice Peter: Hey, there’s a challenge going on! Edgar Allan Poe: Let me roll the wheel, so I can get a meal-rah! *Edgar Allan Poe’s neck twitches* Cleopatra: HEY! Only I can say his name… Edgar Allan Poe: What’d you say, ho? Do you wanna go? Cleopatra: Uh, what? Edgar Allan Poe: I ain’t afraid to tussle, I’ll show you my mothafuckin’ muscles! Nice Peter: Okay, can the real gangster, Al, spin the wheel? Al Capone: Whatever. *Al Capone spins the wheel, and lands on…more bacon.* Al Capone: Oh, lovely. Darth Vader: Could I have that? I need something to go with my mashed potatoes. Al Capone: What about salmon? Nice Peter: Alright, Napoleon! Napoleon Dynamite: Alright…let’s get serious. *Napoleon spins the wheel, eyeing it carefully, watching it go around. As he is about to stop it, Bieber pushes him into it, knocking him out and opening a compartment, and a watermelon plops out of it onto his head.* Nice Peter: Well, that’s…something… Justin Bieber: Eh, more pathetic than threatening. *Edgar Allan Poe grabs Bieber by the neck* Edgar Allan Poe: Bitch, that’s not how you treat a man with massive respect. Move out of my way, motherfuckers, Reggie Hoez is up next. Cleopatra: Who now? *Poe walks up to the wheel with Bieber, throws him off the stage, spins the wheel, punches the wheel, pulls out a challenge, and reads it off* Edgar Allan Poe: Let’s see what’s in store for me… jump a fucker who disrespects a homie. Darth Vader: Translation please? Al Capone: Don’t look at me… *Poe looks at Bieber, who runs away quickly* Edgar Allan Poe: Fuck, he ran away. Guess I’ll finish another day. Nice Peter: Cleo, your turn. *Cleopatra spins the wheel, landing on pancakes* Cleopatra: Yummy. *Vader walks up to spin the wheel, landing on an empty compartment* Darth Vader: Well, that was thought out…. Nice Peter: Okay, Jordan, spin! Darth Vader: Don’t I get another spin? *Michael Jordan spins the wheel, landing on a challenge* Michael Jordan: Alright, what’s this challenge? Mikhail Gorbachev: OH YEAH! Rasputin: You have to choose one other person to do the challe-GET LOST, FREAK! Mikhail Gorbachev: You need to learn how to host, bitch! Vladimir Lenin: We’re taking over, cykas! Joseph Stalin: Putin, bring down the copter! *Putin flies his helicopter down to the island* Nice Peter: Alright, Jordan, since you and Ali have one spin left, you have to defeat these guys instead. *Jordan and Ali look at each other, and begin fighting* Nice Peter:…or do that. Edgar Allan Poe: These chumps wanna go? Time to fuck up these disappointing chodes. *Edgar Allan Poe steps up to Gorbachev and grabs him by the neck* Edgar Allan Poe: Arite, Cool-aid man, time for you to taste the flavored punch of my hand! *Poe punches Gorbachev, and throws him at Ali, who punches him on accident* Muhammad Ali: Sorry, that was for Jordan! *Poe looks at Stalin, who charges at him and tries to punch him* Edgar Allan Poe: Nah man, that ain’t the deal. I’mma burn this man of steel! *Poe kicks Stalin in the nuts, then punches him in the stomach* Michael Jordan: Ali, this ain’t boxing, this is kitty fighting, you weak shit! Muhammad Ali: You’re one to talk about shit, Mr. Tiger Couldn’t! Michael Jordan: Man, that doesn’t even make sense! *Edgar Allan Poe grabs Lenin by the leg* Edgar Allan Poe: Man, you assholes should just leave, now it’s time to get the squeeze! *Poe throws Lenin at Putin’s helicopter, causing it to blow up, with Lenin falling onto Ali and Jordan and Putin jetpacking away* Nice Peter: Eh, to the elimination ceremony. *The scene transitions to the elimination ceremony, where Peter has Clone Goku announce who’s out* Clone Goku: Bieber, Vader, and Cleo have 3 points. Darth Vader: Lame. Clone Goku: Capone, Poe, Napoleon, Eve, 2 points. That’s almost more than my IQ! Napoleon Dynamite: Why am I behind Bieber? Gosh! I got the watermelon! Shouldn’t that be 3? Clone Goku: And Jordan and Ali are going home! Michael Jordan: Oh HELL NO! Only Ali gotta go home, he didn’t get any points! Muhammad Ali: I punched that one Russian dude, and you didn’t! Michael Jordan: No way I’m going home! *Hogan and Macho Man grabs the two, dragging them to the dock* Muhammad Ali: This is all your fault, Jordan! Michael Jordan: No it isn’t, you’re the one who started the fight! (Confessional) Al Capone: It hit me that Bieber lasted this long…and that he’s gonna make it further…bummer. (Confessional) Justin Bieber: Well, I’ve made it further than the only athletes in the competition, so that’s something. But they were both knuckleheads, so… *the scene transitions to the dock, where Ali and Jordan are being stuffed into a giant barrel from the second challenge* Muhammad Ali (inside the barrel): I am NOT sharing this barrel with him! Hulk Hogan: Oh yes you are! *Hogan and Macho Man shove the barrel into the water, watch it float away, then high-five* Hulk Hogan & Macho Man: BRO POWER! EpicLLOYD: Well, today was…boring. Will Eve get over Adam? Will Bieber pass Napoleon? Will Poe ever eat? Find out none of these answers on the next episode of Total…Drama… Clone Goku: Arby’s! EpicLLOYD: Not even close… Category:Season 1 Category:Script